Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

Artwork for Film Release

The best part of this b-film, is the concept.  You don't get more grindhouse than a naked nun with a gun, unless maybe she's hunting aliens or has been exploded to 50 feet tall.  (I wanted to go with engorged, but chose the classier route)

If you're looking for more traditional b-film fare, then look no further than the pathetic acting and the infantile green-screen in the opening scene.

The acting of the protagonist Asun Ortega, bothers me.  There's a fine line between bad acting and bad acting in grindhouse films, and Ortega exceeds in  falling on the non-enjoyable side.  I don't believe it's on purpose, (although if it is, she's brilliant) but her characterization of Sister Sarah (notice the English spelling) swings wildly and purposeless from sweet and sympathetic to crazed and back to sweet.  And that's annoying.

Really annoying.
The cinematography, in spite of its b-filminess,  was phenomenal, which sometimes works against the film itself.  It's so good, that it manages to get your hopes up, and in doing so makes the inter-titles feel ill conceived, and ill advised.

The cinematography is very emblematic of grindhouse films of the glory days of these films, minus the grit and dirt that were really part of the charm.  It often felt, watching those films, like you were giving your cousin a solid by watching his film, and that was great, part of the ethos of their crappiness.

The editing itself is bad, from conception to execution.  Too fast when it's not called for, and too slow when I wish it wouldn't be.  Feeling, often, like nails on a chalkboard, next to a wailing infant, in a padded room, with a cacophony of bees.  And then some.

My wife Barbs loves the script, which should be a nice reaffirmation that it's horrible.  And that's not a knock on my Babs.  Her taste in good literature usually leans towards The Illiad and Kamu, but she also has a soft spot for poopie jokes and a good boobie pun, and here this film excels for her (read: not for me).

You know you have a stinker when said afore mentioned Barbara, turns to me, mid grindhouse cuddle-fest, and proclaims, "I don't like the inconsistencies or the weird flow."

The first half was not bad, but the second half seemed to get too boggled in its own plot and forwent the fun and excitement of the first half, and because it's in that order, it leaves you with an empty feeling at the end, and an empathy towards the film that is not fair to the first half of the film, which is thoroughly enjoyable.

If you're gonna go a grindhouse film, stick to the shtick and don't get too complicated with a plot.  Loose the habit (or everything but), and start shooting some mother effers, that's what I was expecting and loved the first half for that, but the second half was lacking in that, and the final shootout, although great, still doesn't compensate.

Sample of bad GFXs sadly emblematic of this film.

Ergo, forgo this film in any format, unless you are a glutton for punishment, and you might be it, I won't judge.  In which case watch a bad dub on YouTube, it might remind you more of the grindhouse films of yesteryear, minus the part-time professional filmmakers here present.

If you want a thoroughly enjoyable b-film homage, watch Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies (2012).  Please.  For your sake.